Woooooooooooooooow... why did I forget all about this blog? I know I'm not the best writer, but I enjoy getting my thoughts out and this was a fun sort of quirky way to do that. So as I'm lying here (knee surgery again anyone?) I started thinking about this blog and how much has changed since I started doodling with it. Family, dreams... Let's do an update, shall we?
My baby boy is almost 17???? 11th grade in high school started 5 days ago. How on earth did he grow up right before my eyes while it only feels like 10 minutes ago he was 7? What a ride.. Ive tried to do my best and sometimes I think ive done ok...and sometimes ive felt like there aren't enough rocks to cover me up. I know I've tried to do my best..I dont have magic powers or mystical insight, and I still cringe at some of the choices I made, usually out of frustration. If I could give advice to my younger mom self, it would be Breathe, Walk away.. not everything needs to be resolved .right.now. but thats a hard one for me. I want things resolved, the crisis to be over. The conflict gone. not because I want everything perfect and harmonious but because the conflict literally makes my insides feel awful. You'll do anything to stop that feeling sometimes. The hard part is learning how to manage the feeling and not resort to the horrible coping skills you develop IN crisis that are miserable at Resolving crisis. ah yes, future therapy conversations. Raymond is a smart ass (would I have any other kind of kid, chuckle) and a SMART ass :) I'm so proud of him and how far he's come. He has a great sense of humor and a compassionate heart. He's quirky and loves animals and hugs me every chance he gets. Yeah, I could complain about the teenager that is strong headed and argumentative, but thats not who he is really, just a thing he does sometimes as he goes through the teens years like we all did.
With Raymond almost at graduation, I have come to some conclusions about where I want to be.. so I didnt blog it (I should have) that in Nov. 2018 I ruptured my ACL. For 2 years before that, I had started getting a tug back to the water. Not just "lala, lets go to the beach" tug but a "what am I doing day after day sitting behind this desk on dry land??" tug.. let me make that clearer.. I have watched friends talk about plans, dreams, retirement and futures that have, sadly not made it to those plans. Why are we waiting until we cant enjoy those dreams with platitudes of "one day" "someday" "after I retire..." Im not afraid to die, Im afraid to die without realizing my peace. Im afraid that all of it, the stress and work and little balance to life was so I could just get old and never realize those dreams. This alone deserves its own posting.. So, what is it that I dream about? Sailing.. siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...
So I did the surgery and spent a year recovering, PT, martial arts and all the things that would get me back to the water. Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuust as we hit the place I was like "Im ready! Wheeeeeeee!" dun dun DUUUN-COVID. Another year spent with what felt like no forward movement on my dreams. But I finally got there, out on the sailboat earning my ASA 101 :) with plans to continue and also get my Captains license. Its not going to be an easy trip, there feels like so many road blocks but forward motion at least, well, at least until June. The ACL decided that Spinning hook kick 4397 was the 'one' and ruptured again. I believe that G-d doesnt give us patience because he wants to give us moments to learn it. And I am truly a student of patience as I sit here scheduling appointments for physical therapy and recovering, again, from ACL surgery. But I think im going to keep up with the blogging journey, not only for the ACL but also for the dream. Come boat hunting with me, hangout while I get through Physical Therapy. It probably wont be fun but Im sad that I missed sharing the journey the first time around. Im sure other things will happen in the meantime but at least I wont be trying to cover 10yrs worth of life in one blog post. Maybe people will actually comment on some of these (lmao). ok, going to crutch up and down the hallway... Hold me accountable :) ✌
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