10 years- who dis?

 Woooooooooooooooow... why did I forget all about this blog? I know I'm not the best writer, but I enjoy getting my thoughts out and this was a fun sort of quirky way to do that. So as I'm lying here (knee surgery again anyone?) I started thinking about this blog and how much has changed since I started doodling with it. Family, dreams... Let's do an update, shall we?

My baby boy is almost 17???? 11th grade in high school started 5 days ago. How on earth did he grow up right before my eyes while it only feels like 10 minutes ago he was 7? What a ride.. Ive tried to do my best and sometimes I think ive done ok...and sometimes ive felt like there aren't enough rocks to cover me up. I know I've tried to do my best..I dont have magic powers or mystical insight, and I still cringe at some of the choices I made, usually out of frustration. If I could give advice to my younger mom self, it would be Breathe, Walk away.. not everything needs to be resolved .right.now. but thats a hard one for me. I want things resolved, the crisis to be over. The conflict gone. not because I want everything perfect and harmonious but because the conflict literally makes my insides feel awful. You'll do anything to stop that feeling sometimes. The hard part is learning how to manage the feeling and not resort to the horrible coping skills you develop IN crisis that are miserable at Resolving crisis. ah yes, future therapy conversations. Raymond is a smart ass (would I have any other kind of kid, chuckle) and a SMART ass :) I'm so proud of him and how far he's come. He has a great sense of humor and a compassionate heart. He's quirky and loves animals and hugs me every chance he gets. Yeah, I could complain about the teenager that is strong headed and argumentative, but thats not who he is really, just a thing he does sometimes as he goes through the teens years like we all did. 

With Raymond almost at graduation, I have come to some conclusions about where I want to be.. so I didnt blog it (I should have) that in Nov. 2018 I ruptured my ACL. For 2 years before that, I had started getting a tug back to the water. Not just "lala, lets go to the beach" tug but a "what am I doing day after day sitting behind this desk on dry land??" tug.. let me make that clearer.. I have watched friends talk about plans, dreams, retirement and futures that have, sadly not made it to those plans. Why are we waiting until we cant enjoy those dreams with platitudes of "one day" "someday" "after I retire..." Im not afraid to die, Im afraid to die without realizing my peace. Im afraid that all of it, the stress and work and little balance to life was so I could just get old and never realize those dreams. This alone deserves its own posting..  So, what is it that I dream about?  Sailing.. siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh... 

 So I did the surgery and spent a year recovering, PT, martial arts and all the things that would get me back to the water. Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuust as we hit the place I was like "Im ready! Wheeeeeeee!" dun dun DUUUN-COVID. Another year spent with what felt like no forward movement on my dreams. But I finally got there, out on the sailboat earning my ASA 101 :) with plans to continue and also get my Captains license. Its not going to be an easy trip, there feels like so many road blocks but forward motion at least, well, at least until June. The ACL decided that Spinning hook kick 4397 was the 'one' and ruptured again. I believe that G-d doesnt give us patience because he wants to give us moments to learn it. And I am truly a student of patience as I sit here scheduling appointments for physical therapy and recovering, again, from ACL surgery. But I think im going to keep up with the blogging journey, not only for the ACL but also for the dream. Come boat hunting with me, hangout while I get through Physical Therapy. It probably wont be fun but Im sad that I missed sharing the journey the first time around. Im sure other things will happen in the meantime but at least I wont be trying to cover 10yrs worth of life in one blog post. Maybe people will actually comment on some of these (lmao). ok, going to crutch up and down the hallway... Hold me accountable :)  ✌

Bob Marley's thoughts on love--and a few of mine thown in for good measure

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

Ok Marley, so we only have once to get it right? I'm sorry but that kind of sucks. With all the quotes I can find about love, the bar is set pretty high for what we should be experiencing. Sure, who didnt dream as a teenager (maybe more the girls than the boys) about finding that perfect partner...the one that makes you feel all those things they write about? But when life gets gritty and the shit hits the fan, is that really what love feels like? Maybe we do only have one shot at THAT kind of love but does that make all the rest less good? I think many relationships can be that if you actually put your heart into it but I know that some people should never have crossed hearts and paths and to tell anyone that they only have one person out there, maybe one chance to find the kind of soul warming love that we all deserve...wow. Who would try again after a bad relationship? A soured marriage? a cheating spouse? I don't know. This paragraph would have made twenty something Amy tear up and sigh with the romantic wish that I will find that man someday. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but he's not Mr. Romance. But is he there and supportive and a good father and a good husband? Yes. Do I find everything he does fascinating simply because it's important to him? No. However, I recently struggled and twitched my way through an NRA course complete with shooting range sobbing meltdown merely to be able to learn how to safely handle a gun since hubby works for a gun company and that maybe we could share this as a pastime in the future. So I guess Marley, maybe you have it part right ;)  and if that type of love is what you find, all the more love and power to you because we all deserve to have a partner in life that celebrates us.

mommy angst

Why is it that being a mother (what is supposed to be the most joyous job you'll ever have) also comes with the most worry, anxiety and angst? There's no rule book and advice and opinions vary as wide as the world. Everyone has a differing thought on how you should do this or that. Honestly, ive found that though my opinion is different than someone elses..their's is not necessarily wrong making it even MORE confusing. Add to this that every child is unique and a rule book would be useless. Well, maybe not completely....

Rule#1- Lots of love
Rule#2- no beatings
Rule#3- Keep your eye on them (because those little suckers are FAST and creative)
Rule#4-Feed them
Rule#5- Warm clothes
Rule#6- Behave as if they're always watching (because they are)
Rule#7- Refer to rule #1 & 2 when you're about to lose your last ounce of sanity

Any others anyone would like to share?

Tooth Fairy and inflation

My son just turned 7 yrs old-today. His 2 bottom front teeth started coming in a while back but those 2 little front baby teeth were stubborn. they started getting looser as the big ones came higher but they did not come out. Tonight at bedtime, my kidlet got a special 7th birthday present when his very 1st tooth ever fell out when he wiggled it. The excitement commenced! We had to brush it and make it very clean for the tooth fairy, he had to brush the rest of his teeth extra good again *just in case* and then of course get something to put it under his pillow. Good night, kisses, hugs, music and lights out...
Now the adults started talking.....
How much for the 1st tooth? Well, I guess I'm old--I remember getting a quarter for each tooth. Hubby argued inflation and started at $5.00---wha???? Seriously??? I thought a generous compromise of .50 for the 1st tooth was a good starting place...I even came up to a dollar!
Hubby came down to $2.00

  The inflation arguement just doesnt work on me. I could come up to $2 for the sake of it falling out ON his birthday but inflation? whats he buying?? He's 7...he isnt heading out to the stores to go on a spending spree with his tooth money. In fact, he rarely spends money he gets..Weve been saving everything down to his 1st dollar given to him ... he's even said he wants to save his money. First to buy a space ship <wink> but lately his reasons have changed to "a house or car"..and of course what mommy wouldnt say "college"? Have we jaded our kids to the value of earning money by making it too easy? I just dont want my son to look at money being given to him, ever, and say "what, thats it?" at 7 I think a quarter is a lot for the twenty or so teeth he'll lose...maybe even .50 as he gets older... and how long will he even buy into the tooth fairy idea? I'd hate to be buying teeth at $5 a pop!!
I only have 1 kidlet..what about the families with 2 or more?? Here is what I would like to do "Honey, so cool, the tooth fairy write you a note!!! She (because we all know its a she) said

     Dear Ray, I'm so excited that your tooth fell out! You're on your way to a full mouth of healthy grown up teeth! To remember this totally cool occasion each yr, I now give  $1 for the 1st tooth (because that one is super special) and for each tooth after that I give you a special magic seed to plant WITH that tooth. To make the world a prettier place, and for you to have a place to visit all those cool baby teeth that helped you grow big and strong, please plant each tooth and take just as good care pof it as you did when you chewed with it and you will have a beautiful garden full of childhood memories! Take good care of those new grown up teeth, I'll be checking in on them! Love, the Tooth Fairy :)

And a tradition is born!

From my favorite blog and didnt want to lose the list,,movies to see with rayray :)

1. The Princess Bride
2. Ponyo
3. Mary Poppins
4. Nanny McPhee
5. Swiss Family Robinson
6. The Secret of Moonacre
7. The 10th Kingdom
8. The Sand Lot
9. Kiki's Delivery Service
10. My Neighbor Totoro
11. The Secret of Kells
12. A Little Princess
13. The Secret of Roan Inish
14. The Black Stallion
15. Howl's Moving Castle
16. Stardust
17. Milo and Otis
18. The Last Unicorn
19. The Secret Garden
20. The Brave Little Toaster
21. Secondhand Lions
22. The Great Mouse Detective
23. Holes
24. Matilda
25. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
26. The Goonies
27. Lifted
28. Time at the Top
29. Thumbelina
30. Arthur and the Invisibles
31. The Parent Trap (1961 version)
32. Annie
33. Hook
34. The Secret of Nimh
35. The Dark Crystal
36. Labrynth
37. Savannah Smiles
38. The Muppet Movie
39. Bedknobs and Broomsticks
40. Escape to Witch Mountain
41. Flubber
42. Rigoletto
43. The Boy Who Could Fly
44. The Never Ending Story
45. Herbie the Love Bug (old version)
46. The Incredible Mr. Limpet
47. Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken
48. Pete's Dragon
49. Flight of the Navigator
50. Babe
51. Anne of Green Gables (movies 1 & 2 but apparently not 3)
52. The Shaggy Dog (old version)
53. Little Monsters
54. American Tale
55. Homeward Bound
56. Babes in Toyland (Annette Funicello version)
57. The Great Mouse Detective
58. Inkheart
59. 5 Children and It
60. The Waterhorse
61. Dr. DoLittle (Rex Harrison version)
62. Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (this also made some IMDB Top 100 list)
63. Incredible Journey
64. Angels in the Outfield
65. The Rescuers
66. Robin Hood (Disney version with the fox)
67. The Wizard of Oz
68. Hook
69. Doplhin Tale
70. The Sword in the Stone
71. National Velvet
72. Akeelah and the Bee
73. Dragon Hunters
74. Fastastic Mr. Fox
75. The Last Starfighter

Thanksgiving 2011

As we steadily approach the end of the year we also get to stop and think again about what this year has brought us and what we are grateful for. Tough...the best word to describe 2011 is 'rollercoaster'

Almost everything can be described in this one word. Emotional, work responsibilities, where I work itself is going through a rollercoaster, RayRay and going through his 5th yr, starting Kindergarten, and of course,  watching my parents struggle through the craziness that has been their life this year again. I refuse to say "is" their life as I have strong faith that every step brings them back from the brink of the crazy and closer to a more stable and joyful life. So, what am I grateful for? That I'm strong enough to survive the emotional storms that seem to always be there as a fact of life. That I have a job no matter how "rollercoaster" it might be some days (and though it might be, my work family is amazing). That my little boy is growing into such a neat, lovable, Gd loving child that has more love in his heart for family & friends than all of us combined. That he LOVES kindergarten and learns so much every week we are always amazed. That most of all, my family is intact-mom & dad both here with us, dad getting stronger, NaNa still active and doing her thing!  I'm blessed. 

and yet, still so many that I want to do for. Why are there children that are hungry or homeless? Why are there children that are hurt or unloved? Those of you that read my yearly Thanksgiving musings know that I say this every year. I'm sad. I hurt for those that face hunger, abuse, cold, lost. every day. What am I doing to help...I feel like nothing, at best, not enough. So my goal for this year is to change. To try and do more. Hopefully, you'll all want to join in. This year I'm going to try hard to pay it forward and make a difference in a life. I guess if you include me, I'll be making a difference in 2 lives  ;) Love to all my friends & family and know that even if I dont see you as often as I would like, you all have touched my life in some way and made my it wonderful. <3

Thanksgiving- another year to contemplate

Here it is again, that time of year to pause and think about the world around me. This year there has been SO much to pause on even when it felt like mad dashing around after my tail and my sanity. In fact, there is so much to think about, I actually paused again, a little overwhelmed by how to express all of it. This is likely to be long.

 I spend every day thinking about what we have and those who have so much less. I talk with RayRay as often as I can bring up the subject about caring for the people around us whether we know them or not and giving to those that dont have enough or anything at all. This year it came up and we talked about how some families dont have homes or enough warm clothes or food. In the recent economic slides to hell, this is a common sight all around us. Our own home was a foreclosure, a constant reminder of how it all could go bad so quickly. It breaks my heart and makes me cry every time I think of a child that could be cold or hungry or forgotten in the distress of a families financial disaster. I try to explain some of these things in gentle 4 year old language that wont scare our precious kind hearted son but still I want him to grow a love of caring for others and learn to be thankful as well. 

   This year we ALL had a lesson in how precious and tenuous life can be when we almost lost my stepfather to the awful truck accident that all of you heard about. While he was in ICU, in the next room over, they brought in a mother of a young child (about Rays age) and she had been pregnant-also in a terrible car accident. As you will sometimes hear in close quarters like the ICU, I heard that she lost the baby. Mom told me that they allowed the father to bring in the child and everyone was crying. We dont know but we dont believe she ever woke up and very soon after (too soon to have been transferred to a stepdown, but we can pray we were wrong) the room was empty again. I think about her, sometimes it will pop into my head for no reason, maybe because I'm driving, and I will start to cry. I dearly hope that she is spending Thanksgiving with her family this week talking about that awful car accident she was in and how Thankful she is to be with them. Though it hasnt been an easy road by any means, we are eternally Thankful that we have my stepfather with us and I know it was Divine intervention that he is still here.

   In just the last year ive lost both my grandparents on my father's side. Even for that I can be Thankful since I know precious few of anyone that at my age have their grandparents still. I was able to not only enjoy them for a long time but also introduce my son to them. Every time I bake with him, I take the time to talk about his great grandma and how much she loved us. He's getting to know the stories himself. My family and I may not get along from time to time but I would be a shell of the person that I am without them and the love ive experienced over the years. 

   This year isnt quite done yet and all of my precious family is not safe at home. My cousin will be saying his Thanks in Afghanistan. His pregnant wife and 2 young girls here in the states waiting for his safe return. I'm so worried but my worry is probably dwarfed by theirs. I'm Thankful for his continued safety and the fact that what he does, by serving in our military, is why I can celebrate Thanksgiving and many other freedoms that I (and You) enjoy. 

    As I do every year, I reflect on the fact that we are fed, we are warm, we have jobs that pay our bills and we have the most loving angel child (even when he's being typically 4). We have friends that care about us and that we care about as well. We are a family that has fun and loves each other and I see alot of positive changes for our future. Ive lived close to the edge before but its always been ok in the end. No matter how bad things have been, its always passed by. In all honesty, I believe that Divine intervention has alot to do with that. As the recent quote ive found says "Faith makes things possible, not easy"...no, this year has not been easy but it has certainly shown what can be possible with Faith. So I'm Thankful for my Faith in God that has carried us through this year and will carry me through the next. I pray that my family & friends are safe, warm & fed. I pray that their families & friends are safe, warm & fed. I appreciate all of you and hope that sometime soon, I can give you a hug and tell you that in person. May your Thanksgiving be peaceful and soul soothing and this next year a good one.

Love

Amy